just released some videos for my campaign. It's odd, because I
don't remember making them... When ever I look at them, I become
forgetful and start working on projects in the yard. But you can
watch them and see what you think...No Felony Convictions and Resistance is Futile.
My stream of consciousness went on vacation. If it returns, so will new entries to this fiction blog...
wait a minute, I didn't write that! My stream of consciousness
did not go on vacation. I must have lost my mind! I'll have
to figure out an ad to run, in case it's reading the personal ads...
"Lost--mind--sure we were a bit dissassociated, but it's nothing
to go schizo about... Come back and I'll take life more
seriously." Boyoboy, I sure hope it sees the ad.
Maybe it's checking email. Then I could send it something
more to the point: Dear brain,
you can't be having much fun without a body to order about, without
sensory inputs. I know I'm lost without you. In fact I
can't think of any good reasons for you to come back, without you...
I've been spending a lot of time watching videos on Youtube, hoping to come across my brain. I can't think of any good ways to find my brain... I can't think of any good ways to find my brain... I can't think of any good ways to find my brain... I can't think of any good ways to find my brain... I can't think of any good ways to find my brain... I can't think of any good ways to find my brain... I can't think of any good ways to find my brain... I can't think of any good ways to find my brain... I can't think of any good ways to find my brain... I can't think of any good ways to find my brain...
I thought, since I've lost my mind, I might as well go down to the Hang
Dog Saloon and have a couple beers. My wife said, "Have you lost
your mind? You never drink, and even if you did, the Hang Dog
Saloon would be the last place on earth anyone would have a drink." "Well, since I have indeed lost my mind, I figure it might be at the Hang Dog, getting plastered..." "Take your banjo," she said. "It's the only thing that makes sense in a situation like this."
Down at the Hang Dog Saloon, it was backwards Karaoke night. The
sound system sang the words, and the customers were doing doo wop
versions of the instrumentation. So when I showed up with a
genuine instrument, there was some discussion, but they let me sit in
on a couple. I also had a bit of the hair of the dog that bit me,
so to speak, and after a few more drinks started watching car racing on
the big screen tv. While I still had my brain, I could never
understand the beauty of watching car racing anywhere, let alone on tv.
But now it suddenly all made sense. Later the program
switched to Pro Wrestling. Same thing. Wow! I thought, What a huge chunk of the world I've been missing.
The commercials also had an odd fascination for me. I was still
trying to decide which brand of car was the right one for me, when one
of those public interest type ads came on. It said, This is your brain with 5 drinks of alcohol. Then
it warned about the dangers of drinking and driving. It showed
the brain getting behind the wheel and driving into a tree. The
thing is, I recognized that brain! That was my brain
they were using in that commercial. This was fabulous! My
brain had gone to Hollywood, and made it in the Big Time!
So I went home and booked a flight to Los Angeles. While online,
I checked my email. Not only had I won the lottery, but a wealthy
Nigerian wanted to send me 6 million dollars. I was
overjoyed. Then I saw the email from the TV show called "That's
Stupid!" They had accepted my act for inclusion on their program.
My chicken and I were on our way to the Big Time ourselves!
Who needs a brain?
On the flight, one
of the persons next to me asked why I was holding a chicken in my lap.
The guy on the other side was politely ignoring us both. So I
explained how I was going to be on That's Stupid! "Henrietta and
I have a chicken act. She pecks food from my hand while singing
the Star Spangled Banner..." He exclaimed, "Your chicken sings the Star Spangled Banner?"
"She does?" I said. "Oh, no, I sing the Star Spangled
Banner. It's a very patriotic act... It's going to be part
of the July 4th fireworks special. " The guy admitted he'd never watched That's Stupid!
"Well, it's pretty simple really. People come on and do stupid
things, and the audience and AOL users vote on what is the most stupid
act of the night." "So," he said, "The most stupid act wins some big prize, like a trip to Vegas?" "They do?" I said. " Oh, no, the winner gets a hundred pounds of artichokes." "Artichokes," said the guy. "Say, have you ever heard of the Great Principal Groogan?"
I should have asked him what that had to do with artichokes. As it turned
out, it probably had nothing to do with artichokes, but the Great
Principal Groogan became a minor sticking point in my life.
"So," the guy said. "The Great Principal Groogan has all the
answers. It doesn't matter if you are depressed, repressed,
addicted, inhibited, or a dropout from Rehab." "Say, I've done some time in Rehab!" I said. "I could guess you have," he said, giving Henrietta a little chuck under the beak... "Great Principal Groogan means peace. Great Principal Groogan means a better life... Great Principal Groogan is love." "I had a principal in Elementary School who wasn't too bad..." I said. "Great
Principal Groogan will fix whatever's wrong with you. When
we land, I'm going to help you get to one of our seminars..." "Will Great Principal Groogan give me back my brain?" I asked, thinking this sounded familiar. "Sure, just don't look behind the curtain," he said.
It turns out the Great Principal Groogan was this guy that has
everything figured out. This was good, since I was temporarily
without a brain. So I signed up for a week of intensive Principal
seminars. During breaks they let us watch TV. I
thought I saw my brain on some of the late night talk shows, but things
were pretty fuzzy for me, what with the intensive training and all.
It didn't help that the TV producer for "That's Stupid!" kept
calling reminding me of things to bring. Like I'd forget to bring
Henrietta's food along or something...
Henrietta seemed to enjoy the Great
Principal Groogan seminars also. Pretty soon she had a small
group of the attendees waiting on her hand and foot. If Great
Principal Groogan was there, he might have been jealous of her, but he
was only there via the videos which we watched for 10 or 12 hours a
day. Finally the week of intensive training was done. Along the way I'd confided in my Great
Principal Groogan trainer how I was going to be on "That's Stupid!"
He left the room all excited, and came back with a supervisor,
who said I was to address the people with a special message from Great Principal Groogan.
Somehow with all the excitement and lack of sleep and 20 hours a day of Great
Principal Groogan training, I'd forgotten to look for my brain.
When we finally got together again, my brain was glad it had
missed out on Great Principal Groogan. But that's getting ahead of the story. So when the seminar was over, we all emptied our wallets in support of the marvelous learning of Great Principal Groogan, and headed off into the world totally free. We were supposed to go find more seekers for Great
Principal Groogan, but I was excused from that, because of the Special
Message. So I called the TV producer, and found out what time to
do the routine with Henrietta on the 4th, and how to get to the studio.
Principal Groogan training is so intense, I just sat on the
sidewalk with Henrietta and enjoyed life in California. It hadn't
rained once the whole time I'd been there. I'd have to email
Alice about that whenever I found a place to get online... A
couple of Henrietta's Great Principal Groogan admirers sat
with us for a while, but wandered off when they got hungry.
Henrietta didn't get hungry, since I had her bag of feed, but I
was beginning to feel a bit peckish myself, so we finally wandered into
a fast food restaurant. Fortunately Henrietta had secured us some spare change from admirers... "We don't serve chickens here," they said at McLarry's.
"That's alright, Henrietta would be offended if you did," I said.
"But she' doesn't care about cows, so I'll have a hamburger."
They made us walk through the drive through, but other than that the
food was great! I was always so picky about my food when I had a
After eating, we went to wait at the TV studio. There was a TV
in the waiting room, so I could see what else was happening on the
network. Imagine my surprise when my brain showed up on the
Issues and Answers program, as a guest pundit! And that show was
finishing right before That's Stupid started! With luck I'd have
my brain back in time for the show! I found out
where they were airing the Issues and Answers program, and got as close
as I could to it, which wasn't too close, as security seemed to think
there was something odd about me. It was probably the chicken, my
brain said later... Anyway, as the show ended, the studio
audience left, and I worked my way through the crowd in time to yell at
my brain, "Here I am! It's me, Phil!"
I think it was probably because my brain was chatting with Larry
King, but it seemed to be ignoring me. "Pay no attention to the
man with the chicken," I heard it tell Larry. But as I worked my
way closer, Larry King left me alone to confront my errant brain.
"That's a fine mess you've gotten yourself in," said the brain, when
I'd quickly told him about the tv program I was going to be on...
"They don't even pay the contestants, and the winner, if you can
call it that, just gets a bag of artichokes. I got 5 figures just
for doing this guest emcee spot..." In the end, after begging and
cajoling, it agreed to meld consciousness with me again, and just in
time, as the production assistants were coming looking for Henrietta
So, I said to myself as I waited in the green room, this will be a piece of cake. Give
Henrietta her layer mash and sing the Star Spangled Banner, then
deliver the special Groogan message... Whoa, wait a minute, said my brain. What's this Groogan message? So
I told myself about how wonderful Groogan was and how I was chosen to
deliver a special message to the world about it. That's when my
brain got a bit huffy and said it was glad it missed out on the Groogan
seminars... There wasn't any more time to chat, because the
fireworks were starting, and I was cued to come on with Henrietta.
It brought tears to my eyes, how proud I was to be an American, where
any schmuck with a speck of talent can have 15 minutes of fame, whether
they're Andy Warhol or not. So Henrietta and I strode out onto
the stage, where there was a small studio audience with somehow
thunderous applause. I let my brain do the talking...
"It's not only in America, where dumb schmucks are randomly chosen to
be made fun of for the entertainment of other dumb schmucks. But
America does it best! (Thunderous Applause) What's more,
hapless clowns are brainwashed by weird cults like the Great
Principal Groogan, then told to deliver other hapless fools for the
fleecing... (Smattering of Applause). A funny thing
happened to me on the way here today. I lost my mind, and I just
got it back in time for this performance. (Smattering of
laughter, mild clapping). Well, the show must go on, and so
here's Henrietta the Chicken, and our song is the Star Spangled Banner."
At this point my brain took a brief out of the body experience, which
didn't hurt the performance at all. The reviewers the next day
said they sensed an aura of greatness about both Henrietta and myself.
I think it was probably just my brain's aura getting disembodied.
Anyway my brain has never really liked mindless patriotism, so I
didn't miss it at all, and the show went beautifully. However a
10 year old girl who sang I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy won the artichokes,
so I hope she enjoys them. I'm not fond of artichokes myself...
But what about the special Groogan message, you might ask, assuming
anyone were reading this... Well, in my brainless condition I was
ready to deliver the message as programmed, after the song, but
the TV program cut to a commercial right after I sang, and the 10 year
old was hustled on as I was hustled off. I kind of thought I'd
have a few minutes to sit and chat with the emcee, but I guess a few
seconds of fame is all they're giving out in Hollywood these days...
Henrietta seemed satisfied with it anyway... She watches
the video of it regularly on Youtube.
Perhaps you wonder how Henrietta watches Youtube. Well, I bought
her a computer with her share of the money we got from the Layer
Queen feed company for using their product on the show. Usually
the program is really careful about product placement, but I guess the
feed bag I carried on slipped by their lawyers or something.
Anyway, Henrietta does well on the computer, but she's a little
slow with her typing, because she uses the "Hunt and Peck" method...
Use this chart to find the next of the cartoons (first 47 entries) or the stories (starting with 1 A River Too Far 5 rows below week 8)