Fiction Blog   Phil Steen 4 President headquarters Links

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In a canyon behind Grandma's house, Peg the horse whickered nervously. A mountain lion licked its lips, and snarled almost noiselessly.
 

Next door to Grandma's, in his secret basement laboratory, the mad veterinarian, Doctor Splicer is being addressed by his assistant. "So, Doctor, do you think you have the formula right this time?" sniveled Max, the four footand four-footed furry laboratory assistant.
"Yes, Max, and I'm just dying to find someone to try it out on," said Dr. Splicer.
 

On the other side of Grandma's house, some new neighbors are ready to meet the world. "It will not be long, and first contact will be made," said Commander E2 to Vortex. "Make sure to control your stomachs in case the sight or smell of them causes you to blanch or grogel."
"We got some bandanna handkerchiefs," said Vortex. "If only we had some hoolahoops. Our reports indicate they are all the rage..."
 

Chapter One: Getting to Grandma's
 

"I'm bored," said Brogan Dorkelson. "How long is it till we get to Spokane?"
"We've still got three hours. Why don't you eat your little bag of peanuts?"
"I'm saving it for Grandma." Melody said,
"Grandma doesn't want peanuts. She can't chew them."
Brogan was growing hysterical quickly. The stewardess shot Don Dorkelson an anxious look, as she passed by with a drink.

He tried, "How about a little plastic cup of pop?" It was no good. Brogan was about to go critical.... "Wait, I'll tell you a story about what's going to happen at Grandma's..."

Melody said, "I know what's going to happen at Grandma's. I have to finish my paper for school. It's going to be just like home."

"Yeah," wailed Brogan, "BORING!"

"Well," said Don, "This is the story of what might happen when the Dorkelson family went to visit Grandma. You see, Grandma wasn't there when they got to the airport. And that was just the first complication."
"Now don't get the children worried," said Alice Dorkelson in a nervous tone. She didn't like flying, and she could sense the general air of hysteria in the children as well...
Don said, "Well, it wasn't really any big problem, she had just forgotten."
"Like usual," said Melody.
"Exactly," said Don. " So what do you think the Dorkelsons did?"
"Found Grandma!" said Brogan. He was a very logical six year old.
"That's right," said Don. "But it wasn't that easy."
"Why not?" said Melody.
"Umm, because it wouldn't be much of a story that way. No, there were complications. Like, how would they get to Grandma's house without her car?"
"They could walk," said Brogan. "Or take the bus," said Melody, "or a taxi!"
"Yes, but Don's wallet got stolen at the airport."
Alice dropped her magazine and said, "What!"
Don said, "No, no, remember, it's just a story.... So, that complicated things some more."
"Mama has her purse," said Melody.
"But she didn't have much cash, only about $5.00 .The Dorkelsons use a lot of credit cards."
"Well," said Alice, "Didn't Alice have any credit cards along?"
"Sure--all the same ones that Don had," said Don. "But they had to call all the credit card companies and cancel their cards when they got lost."
"So what did we do?" said Brogan?
 

Well, it turned out that the kid working at the Derby Rental Car booth had just the car for the Dorkelsons.

"It looks a bit beat up..." Don Dorkelson said.

"Listen, mister, this here Catalina is a real survivor. I'm going to run it again this Sunday night out at the Speedway."

"But will it run now? We have to drive clear out to Shadow Glen, outside of Millwood.

"Heck, that's my neighborhood! It'll get clear out there on this free complimentary gallon of gas. And don't worry about getting it back to us. You just call wherever you end up and we'll send a tow truck, if necessary."

"I guess we'll have to take it... We're a little short on funds right now..."

Don's daughter Melody piped up, "Yeah, because somebody picked my dad's pocket right here in the airport and took all his credit cards and Grandma was supposed to meet us but she didn't."

Brogan said, "If we'd have brought my bike like I wanted to, we could've ridden it to Grandma's."

Melody said, "All of us on one bike? You've got to be kidding..."

"Yeah, right," said the kid. "Well it's ten bucks and you can keep it till Sunday night."

Don handed over the ten dollars. "What did you say you were going to do with it on Sunday?" "I'm taking it to the demo derby, dude! Sunday at the Speedway! It's the Interstate Fair. Just call the number on that card and I'll pick it up anywhere."
 

The doors on the hulk were wired shut, so the Dorkelsons climbed in through the windows. Don turned the ignition key. A very slight groan came from under the hood. The kid said, "The battery must be down. It just needs a jump--I'll get my car and be back in a jiffy." "Wow," said Brogan, "no back seat, no radio, no windows!"

Alice Dorkelson looked reassuringly at Don. "I don't care if it doesn't even have an engine, as long as it gets us to Grandma's.

"And Grandma is there when we get there..." Melody added. "And she has an encyclopedia so I can look up stuff for my report."

"What report?" said her mother. "On John Phillip Sousa, for social studies."

"What does Sousa have to do with social studies? He was a musician."

"I don't know.I had to pick somebody... It's got to be five pages long and it's due on Tuesday."
 

The kid from Derby Rentals wheezed up in a contraption remarkably similar to the one the Dorkelsons weren't yet driving .He soon had both hoods unwired, and the jumper cable connected. The car started with a shudder that seemed to Don like the car was begging to be put out of its misery. "Just don't shut the car off till you get where you're going, and you should be fine. And remember to call that number if you have any problems." The kid drove off in a cloud of blue smoke.

Don said, "Two days for ten bucks. I guess you can't go wrong..."

Brogan asked, "So where do you think Grandma is?"
 

Grandma was in her red late model sports car, heading for the bank with a modestly dressed young woman who was wanted in five states for forgery, embezzlement, and heinous swindling of sweet little old ladies. "I'm certainly glad you could help us on this investigation, Mrs. Dorkelson. The bank has had such trouble with its employees. It's so hard to get good help nowadays."

"I always say, them that does, does best by themselves," said Grandma, slightly testily.

"Just so," agreed Norma Smith smoothly.

"And I'm sure you'll do just fine by yourself in helping us to catch the dishonest bank teller. Now you remember exactly what to do?"

"Of course. Er, that is, I... What were we talking about? I keep thinking that there was something I was supposed to be doing this afternoon..."

"You go in to the third teller from the left, and tell her that you want to withdraw all your savings in cash. If she raises a fuss, you'll know she's the one we've been worrying about. Just stick to your guns and they'll give you the money. And I'll be waiting right outside here to keep it safe when you exit."

"Guns?" said Grandma. "You don't expect me to rob it?"

"Hahaha, of course not. But we need your help to catch the thief. Now here's the bank. You know what to do..."
 
 
 

Melody said, "Say, Dad, that red brake light is on. What does that mean?"

"Oh, that means I probably forgot to put off the emergency brake when we started going. Nope, it's not that... I guess it means we have trouble with the brakes." He put his foot down on the pedal. "Whoops, no brakes!"

"Thank goodness we're on the freeway instead of a regular road with stoplights," said Alice, looking on the bright side. "At least we can coast to a stop on the shoulder..."

"Hey, look!" said Melody, "Construction ahead--form one lane." "Well, here goes nothing..." He took his foot off the accelerator and their car gradually slowed as lines of traffic began to converge. Unfortunately the bumper of the car in front was rapidly approaching them. "I'm going to drive on the shoulder!" He swerved off onto the shoulder, which was narrowing into a barricade in the immediate future. "Well, there's always the ditch!" he said, as the car veered off into the grass and slowly settled to a stop. There was a period of stunned silence.

Alice said finally, "At least Derby Rentals offers free towing."

"Wow," said Brogan. "Can I ride in the car when they tow it?"

"So, what do we do now?" said Don.

Melody said, "Look, there's Grandma's bank... She took me there the last time we were here. We could probably walk to Grandma's from here."

Don said, "That's great, let's just get somewhere where we can call that kid so he can tow away this wreck."

"I never knew you could be cheated out of anything for ten dollars," said Alice.

Melody shouted, "That looks like Grandma's car there at the bank!"

"Well, there's lots of cars like Grandma's around," said Brogan. "And it's sure not Grandma sitting in it..."
 

Meanwhile, in the bank, Grandma was in line to check out her lifesavings in cash to give to Norma Smith, when she looked up at the clock and remembered that she was supposed to pick up her family at the airport. She rushed out to the car and jumped in, just as her family was looking at the car from across the fence in the ditch. "Hey, look!" said Melody, "it is Grandma's car, 'cause there she is! Grandma!" The Dorkelson family crawled out of the wired doors and hurried over to the freeway fence, just as Grandma's car careened past them,oblivious to their shouting, and they watched helplessly as she entered the freeway headed back towards the airport.

Brogan said, in a small voice, "I wonder where she is going."

"And who was with her," said Melody.

Mother said, encouragingly, "Maybe she had to do something at the bank, and was just heading out to the airport now. If we can just get around this fence we can go eat at that Zip's Burgers, and then go to Grandma's and wait for her."

"That sounds good to me," said Don, "except for one thing. How much money do we have left now?"

Alice looked in her purse. "Four dollars and seventeen cents in cash. But I've got plenty of credit cards... Oh, no, I forgot...We had to call in to cancel them."

Don said, "I wonder how long it takes for them to cancel our cards..."

"Yeah," said Brogan, "They could be watching the cable sales channel and ordering hot tubs and stuff with it."

"Like we should have done," said Melody.

"I think I'd better call somebody and find out!" said Don as he started to climb over the 10 foot hurricane fence in a rather desperate manner.

"Really, dear," said Alice, "Don't panic. Probably whoever took your wallet just wanted the cash... Besides, you don't need to climb the fence-- it ends right over there, and we can get to Zip's sort of normally."
 

Out at the airport Morton P. Throgmorton was enjoying a drink at the Skyways Lounge to celebrate his upcoming vacation for two to the Bahamas which he had just purchased with the Dorkelsons' credit cards. He had requested the TV to be changed to the cable sales channel so that he could be ready in case other purchases sounded reasonable, although really, he thought, he was too miserable to contemplate buying much. You might guess that his conscience was bothering him, but you don't know Throgmorton. ("I do," said Brogan on the airplane. "He's always the bad guy.")You're right. He was only lamenting that the deluxe package tour that he purchased with the Dorkelsons' credit card was for two people, and he had no one currently to go with him. He had been talking to a guy named Clive Spindle who said he was a Hollywood talent scout, about how there just wasn't any real talent in Hollywood anymore. They looked about the bar for any talent, but no one there seemed to qualify.Finally Mr. Spindle left, and Throgmorton looked about listlessly at the other bar customers, trying to keep an open mind, but old names kept entering his crooked heart-- names like, "Roxette, or Mona, or, Lill..." A wizened old woman popped into the bar just then with Norma Smith in tow. "Nope, they're not in here," said Grandma. "Not that I'd expect them to be..."
 

"Lill!" said Throgmorton again, this time out loud, with great gusto. Norma Smith flung herself into his arms.

"My name's Norma," she whispered, "and I thought I'd never see you again... After Frisco..." "The jails are crowded enough without me in them, Lill..."

"It's Norma!"

"Of course--Norma. So who is the old lady?" he whispered.

"A volunteer in a banking exercise..."

"You must introduce us..." said Morton out loud... "How charmed I am to meet a friend of Norma's.

Grandma said, "I thought you just said her name was..."

"Norma Lill... She used to go by her middle name.We went to bank examiner's school together... I've just concluded a nice little case, and you are just the people to celebrate with me. Lill, I was just thinking about you...There's an important banker's convention in the Bahamas that I must discuss with you.

"Oh, well,"said Grandma. "It seems to me like there was something I was doing. But I guess it can wait. I haven't had a bite to eat all day. I could use a snack." The waitress showed up and Throgmorton ordered lavish hors doerves and drinks for everyone, including Grandma, who never drinks anything alcoholic. The waitress said, "Thank you Mr. Dorkelson," as she returned his credit card copy of the bill. "What! Are you a Dorkelson, too?" asked Grandma? "That's my name..."

Throgmorton glanced nervously at the receipt, thinking for a moment it was her credit cards he had stolen. "Uh, no," he said, glancing at the receipt, "or, I mean yes, I am a Dorkelson. Donald Dorkelson at your service..."

"What a small world," said Grandma. "Dorkelson's my name, too. And you have the same name as my son. He should be arriving here sometime on the plane with his family."

"Why, it certainly is a coincidence," said Throgmorton, thinking quickly. "Say, you wouldn't be related to my Uncle Eli from Kalamazoo?"

"Well, actually, I only married into the Dorkelsons.I don't remember my dear late husband ever mentioning, umm, who did you say it was?"

"Uncle Lester from Detroit," Throgmorton guessed, having forgotten what he'd just made up. Grandma said, "Well you're probably some kind of a distant relative. And I know I've got lots of room for you to stay at my house, so you can visit more with your old friend, umm, excuse me, but I just can't seem to remember your name."

"Norma. That's quite alright--sometimes I can't even remember it myself." Throgmorton laughed loudly.

Grandma said, "You know.This drink tastes better as you go. I thought it had kind of turned sour when I started, but, no sir, this drink turns better as we go..."

Norma said, "Yes, well, I think we'd better go, or that cheating teller at the bank will be stealing more of our money. We'll have to hurry to get there before it closes. Morton, er, Donald, it's been divine, and I do want to discuss the banker's convention with you, but we really must go... Is there somewhere I could reach you?"

"No sir," said Grandma. "My mind is made up. No Dorkelson is going to have to waste money staying in a motel when this Dorkelson has a house all ready to go.I'm not going anywhere without this dear sweet man." She leaned over and grabbed him by the sleeve. The waitress returned with another bill.

"I'm sorry, sir, but there seems to be some problem with your last credit transaction."

"Don't let it bother you, my dear. I have plenty of cash as well..."

"Wait," said Grandma. "I want to pay. You people have been so kind to me, just so kind to me, and I haven't been able to do anything at all for you. Not one thing." (She slammed her hand down on the table)

"Oh but you will, Mrs. Dorkelson..."

"Waitress, I'm taking that bill, and I want you to get us more of these refreshments. And some cookies, too..."

Norma said, "But the bank..."

"You're both staying as my guests tonight, and the bank will be open again tomorrow, won't it? I mean, that teller can't steal much money when the bank's closed, can she? Now I'll tell you about all the Dorkelsons I know of, and you tell me which ones you know about..."

Back on the plane, Don's story was interrupted. "Was Throgmorton married to Lill?" asked Brogan, who was drawing with crayons.

"Well, that happened later, I think," said his father.

"I'm hungry, Daddy," said Melody. Don looked at the airline steward delivering meals far off to the front.

"That's exactly what you said on the way to Grandma's house, in the story, said Don.
 

"Boy, am I hungry!" said Melody as she straggled along with the family past the cul-de-sac streets of Shadow Glen. "I used up that small order of french fries ten miles ago..."

"It hasn't been more than three," said Don. "And we're finally at Grandma's... You know, I hadn't thought about it, but how do we get in?"

Alice said, "Maybe she's there now."

"Or she left it unlocked," said Melody.

"I could break a window with a rock," said Brogan."It's easy."

"Yes, I know," said Alice."You've proved that before... But the neighbors might think we were breaking in."

"Look," said Melody, "There's somebody looking at us with binoculars across the street, that big window there..."

Alice said,"Maybe they have a key. You go ask them, Don." Don went over and rang the doorbell. The lights went off inside the house. He rang it again. Three faces peeked out of three different windows.

After a long wait, the door opened and a little girl appeared. "You need something?" she asked. After Don explained who they were and what they wanted, and the girl, whose name was Trudy, called in back of her, "It's okay-- they're relatives of Grandma Dorkelson."

The lights clicked on, and there were a few clunks, and her parents, Lloyd and Clara Noid, timidly joined Trudy. "I guess it's safe," said Lloyd Noid.

"We thought you seemed kind of strange," said Clara Noid.

"My parents think everybody is strange..." said Trudy.

"They are," said Clara. "Now take you folks for instance. You didn't drive up in a car. That's what I call peculiar."

"The car didn't make it this far," said Don Dorkelson.

"Why not?" said Lloyd. "You figure somebody did something to it?"

"Oh, they did, alright," grinned Alice, "somebody did lots of stuff to our car..."

"That's what we mean about people being strange," said Clara. "Doing all kinds of weird things. Like--do you hear that sound?"

"Now that you mention it, yes," said Don."It sounds kind of like somebody choking a dog to death."

"Now how would you know about a sound like that?" said Lloyd Noid suspiciously.

"Well, so what is it really?" said Alice hastily, to change the subject.

"I'll tell you what I think it is. It's that bunch of illegal aliens that moved into the house next door to Vera's. They say that they're learning to yodel... Does that sound like yodeling to you?"

"Well, yes, now that you mention it, I guess it does. And of course, if they're foreigners..."

"I'll say they're foreign. Never seen anyone like them before around here."

Alice, trying to keep to the point, said, "Well, actually, we just wanted to ask you if you had a spare key to Vera Dorkelson's house. She was supposed to meet us at the airport, but somehow we missed her."

"Well, we don't have one," said Lloyd. "Maybe you ought to ask Doc Splicer."

"Where does he live?" asked Don.

"Are you sure you're a relative of Vera's? It seems like to me like you don't know the neighborhood too well..."

"Well, we haven't visited for five years..." said Don. "All the rest of these houses weren't here then."

"There you go," said Clara to her husband."That's the truth isn't it? He probably is Vera's son, just like he said. And robbers don't go around with their wives and children, do they?"

"Well, I don't know," said Lloyd. "Anybody could tell by looking that the rest of these houses aren't any older than five years. And how do I know what's the latest fashion for robbers to go about?"

"Oh, good grief!" said Trudy. To the Dorkelsons she said, "Doc Splicer's is the house on the other side of Mrs. Dorkelson's. It's the only other one besides your Grandma's with a barn out behind it."

They thanked the Noids, especially Trudy, and walked over to the white ranch style house next to Grandma's. As they approached, wild peals of insane laughter drifted out of a basement window. Brogan pushed the doorbell button and a loud "MOO" sounded from within. "Maybe those Noids are right," said Melody.

"About what?" said Brogan. "Well, that moo-moo doorbell, for instance. Maybe everybody is strange... "

The door creaked open and a tall bearded man with black glasses popped out laughing. (I wonder what's so funny, thought Melody.) "Come in, come in, and have some refreshments!" greeted Doc Splicer.

"That's very kind," said Alice, "but we've only come to ask if you have a key to Vera Dorkelson's house next door."

"Ha hahahah! Of course I do. She often loses her keys... I'll lend you my set immediately. But do come in and have some refreshments."

Don quickly put him off. "Some other time. We need to get inside to see if she left a note or anything. You see, I'm her son and..."

"So what do I care who you are? You want her key--here is her key.But you must come and have some refreshments with me. I am celebrating a great historic moment."

"Some other time..." They took the key and hurried back to Grandma's house. As soon as the door was opened, Dorkelsons streamed in. There was no note for them to be found anywhere, in spite of notes left as reminders which they found everywhere. Louise, a black miniature poodle, yapped and danced about excitedly, as they searched.

"Good dog," said Melody."You remember us from Grandma's visit to us last summer, don't you? If only you could tell us where Grandma is..." Louise continued to yap and dance around excitedly. The dog knocked over a phone on the edge of an end table, and then yapped once as it poked at the touchtone buttons.

"Wow," said Melody, "it looks like Louise is trying to call Grandma..." Brogan picked up the phone, "Hello," he said. He stood there listening. His mother started to say, "Hang up, Brogan, it's a wrong number.." He interrupted by saying, "We just want to know where Grandma is. Grandma Dorkelson." He paused, and then said, "Okay, thank you." To his family he said, "They're going to find her and call us back..."

"Who was that?" said Don. "The police?"

"I don't know," said Brogan. They said they'd look for her on their magnet pewter."

"That's ridiculous," said Don. "You didn't even tell them her whole name."

At this moment the phone trilled and simultaneously the doorbell rang. "One of these two has got to be Grandma," said Don.

"I'm hungry," said Melody, as Don answered the door and Alice answered the phone. Brogan opened the fridge.

"Hello," said Don and Alice.

"Oh, no," said Brogan. "The fridge is about empty."

"Here's a note," said Melody. "Shop for groceries..."

"Oh, it's you, Dr. Splicer," said Don on the phone.

At the door was a young teenage girl who was talking quickly and earnestly to Alice. "And so you see, we're selling these door-to-door so that we can all take a field trip this winter. Besides your basic crop uses, this farm machine comes with a garbage compactor, compost shredder (you see, it's environmentally sound), and a lawnmower attachment as well. This is a really great feature, because the average lawn in this area only requires driving around twice with this tractor and the whole lawn is done. And you don't need to worry about rocks, tree roots, or even small trees..."

"Well, I'm sorry, but I just don't think we need a tractor right now, but I hope you sell enough to go on your field trip," said Alice. "I only need to sell one," she said, looking like she might cry. "And the price is very good, on account of these are sort of demonstrator models. And some of them have won prizes..."

"These are prizewinning tractors?"

"They won prizes in tractor pulls at the county fair. My brother used to drive them. He said to tell people that they were only driven on Sundays, if that makes any difference to you." "Your brother wouldn't happen to work for Derby Rentals, would he?"

"Yes, do you know him?"

"Sort of... Well, I don't think we want to buy a tractor today."

Brogan said, "Yeah, Grandma's already got one--out back by her stable." He pointed out the back window, and Melody crowded over to see.

"Wow," she said. "I want a ride on it..."

"Me first," said Brogan.

"So you see," said Alice to the girl, "We don't need a tractor right now. But I hope you still get to go on your field trip."

"Me too," said the girl. "It'll be nice to go to Australia when it's winter here in Spokane. But if we each sell two, we get to go hiking in Nepal, too." She skipped off merrily towards the next house.

"I'd like to go to Australia, too," said Brogan.

"You've got to wait till you're old," said Melody, "in junior high like her..."

Don interrupted, "That was Dr. Splicer on the phone."

"Did he figure out where Grandma is?" asked Brogan. "No, he just said he forgot to tell us to tell Grandma that her horse is ready next door..."

"When did she get a horse?" said Alice.

"What's it ready for?" said Melody.

"Well, he said it had been attacked by a mountain lion out in the pasture, but he treated all the cuts, and gave it some kind of tonic. He said to tell her that soon her horse will be flying across the fields again, and feeling on top of the world. Then he laughed that crazy laugh of his for a while, and hung up..."

"I think he just has a nervous laugh," said Alice. "He can't help himself. He seems like a nice enough fellow. But you won't believe who it was at the door. It was the sister of the kid who rented us that clunker car, selling farm machinery door-to-door!" She started laughing herself.

"I hope you didn't buy any," said Don.

"With what?" She began laughing hysterically.

"Don't worry," said Melody to Brogan. "She just has a nervous laugh and can't help herself" his made Don begin laughing, and soon they were all laughing giddily.
 

"What's so funny?" said Grandma, leading in a reluctant Morton P. Throgmorton and Lill. "Grandma!" They shouted. They crowded around her and hugged her.

"We'll just be going, now," said Throgmorton, twirling Grandma's car keys as he pushed Lill towards the door.

"Oh no, you don't!" said Grandma. "I want you to meet my son, Donald Dorkelson. Donald Dorkelson, this is Donald Dorkelson." she tittered cheerily.

"You're named Donald Dorkelson, too?" said Don.

Throgmorton looked distinctly uncomfortable. He winked at Don and said, "There seems to be a little confusion here. My name is Morton P. Throgmorton, Elderly Touch financial services."

"And this here is Lill," said Grandma. "She was helping me do something, but I don't quite remember what it was."

Lill said, "Yes, well, we really must be going now, right Morton?"

"And I said, there's plenty of room to stay here at my house."

"Where am I going to sleep, Grandma?" said Brogan.

Melody could count well enough to see that seven people would be quite a crowd in Grandma's two bedroom house. But she kept silent. Anyway, the telephone rang again. Melody answered it. "Just a minute, he's right here...It's for you, Brogan."

Don and Alice exchanged puzzled glances. Throgmorton and Lill exchanged significant glances, mostly towards the door. Louise the dog glanced at Grandma. Brogan said, "No she's not hiding here. But she is here." He listened a moment. "Okay, maybe later. Thanks. Bye." Everyone looked at Brogan, except for Lill, who was gesturing with her head towards the door, and Grandma, who was looking at Louise, the dog.

"So who was that?" Alice asked Brogan.

"That was the next door neighbor. I think he said his name was Smith. He said he figured Grandma was hiding somewhere in the house, because that's what the magnetic pewter said. But Grandma isn't hiding--she's right here."

Grandma looked around and nodded.

"But how did they know your name, Brogan?" said Don.

"I don't know. Maybe Grandma told them. Anyway they invited us to come over any time, so I told them maybe later."

"Are they the neighbors in that dome house to the west?" asked Don.

"Yes," said Grandma. "They're brand new. They seem to be a real nice group of people. I mostly see them out hanging up the wash."

Throgmorton and Lill were slipping out the back door.

"Oh good," said Grandma. "Don, you show these two--what are your names--around the place while I throw together some supper." She opened the refrigerator. "Oh," she said.

Alice said, "Well, how about we order some pizzas?"

"Pepperoni!" said Brogan.

"Mushroom!" said Melody.

"Anchovies and pineapple," said Throgmorton, with a shrug of resignation. Louise knocked down the phone and pushed a memory button. "Woof," she said.
 
 
 

Chapter 2 : Visiting the Smiths
 

A few hours later the pizza arrived. It was now 8 o'clock in the evening, and though they had pretty much given up hope that the pizza would ever arrive, and were mostly yelling at each other as people do when their blood sugar level approaches zero, they noticed the flashing lights outside the window which heralded the pizza's delivery.

"Hey, it's the police!" said Brogan, noticing the flashing lights. Lill and Throgmorton jumped up and headed for the back door.

"No it's not," said Melody, pulling the curtain open. It's a tow truck with its lights going. And it has our car!" Don and Alice crowded over to look. The doorbell rang. It was the kid. "Sorry I'm late with the pizza," said the kid.I found my rental car on the way and thought I'd--Hey! What great luck! You're the ones who rented it. Now you can have it back."

"We don't want that car any more," said Don sullenly.

"We do want the pizzas," said Alice hungrily.

"You get them both, " said the kid brightly. "After all, you get to keep the car till Saturday, right?"

"We don't want it," said Don firmly.

"Let's eat!" said Brogan and Melody.

"But I don't want to have to pay to park it at the airport," said the kid.

"Take it away!" said Don.

"Oh, all right.That'll be $16.50, for the pizza, not counting the tip."

"Say, Mom, we need your credit card," said Don.

"No, sorry, company rules say cash only," said the kid.

"Let me look," said Grandma. She looked in her sugar bowl. "Here's a note. Let's see, where are my glasses..."

"Let me read it, Mom," said Don. "It says, 'get cash from the bank.'"

The kid tightened his grip on the pizza boxes. "Well, I guess I these will have to go on the day-old pizza shelf," said the kid.

Throgmorton spoke up."Ahem. This is highly irregular, being guests and all, but in this case I'd be happy to pay for the pizzas," which wasn't particularly generous, since it was Don's money he was using in the first place.

Grandma said, "Oh no, that wouldn't be right..." but she was generally overruled. They were all happily eating pizza when the doorbell rang again. It was the kid. He couldn't get the tow truck started. He didn't get much sympathy from the Dorkelsons, but they did let him use the phone. He called his sister, whom he said would come with a tractor to try to tow the whole mess away. After a while they even condescended to give him a piece of pizza. After they were done, Melody and Brogan went outside with Louise the dog to watch for the tractor, and were joined by Trudy Noid, the little girl they first met across the street. "I see you got Billy's tow truck and rental car," she said. After some discussion, she said, "That explains why your car broke down. I know Billy, and he doesn't fix cars too good."

"I know," said Melody.

"I'll tell you something else," said Trudy. "You were sure lucky when you came over to our house earlier."

"Why?" asked Brogan.

"My dad has a big gun collection, and he was all ready to start shooting you if I hadn't talked to you. He's kind of jumpy."

"Aww, you're just saying that," said Brogan.

"No fooling. I'll show you his guns sometime. He says he's sure the Smiths are from outer space and they're out to get him."

"That sounds crazy to me," said Melody.

"You haven't met the Smiths," said Trudy.

"Have you?" asked Brogan.

"Well, no.But I've seen them. One of them looks kind of blue colored. And they do funny things."

"Like what?" said Melody.

"I saw one of them drain the oil out of their car the other day."

"So what," said Melody. "My mom even does that."

"But then he drank it!" she said.

"Ahh, come on..." said Melody.

"Hey, let's go see Grandma's tractor."

"I want to ride the horse," said Brogan.

"It's not back from Doc Splicer's yet," said Trudy.

"Where'd Grandma get the horse, anyway?" asked Melody.

"I think she bought it from Natalie."

"Who's Natalie?" said Melody.

"Natalie Owens--Billy the kid's sister... Here she comes now with a tractor."

"Oh, her," said Melody. "Does she always sell stuff?"

"I think the school makes her. I guess it's part of junior high."

"I want to watch them pull it," said Brogan."All of them hooked together look like a train." Natalie was hooking a logging chain from the tractor to the tow truck, which was still hooked on to the rental car. Billy was looking under the engine bonnet of the tractor Natalie had brought.

"It looks like I'd better adjust the carburetor," he announced.

"Oh don't, Billy," said Natalie, "you know what happened last time..."

"Whoops," he said. The tractor started pouring out black smoke and chugging fiercely. Then it died. "Oh.Yeah. I remember," he said. "Well, this won't be like that... I'll go get the tool kit and be right back."

"You do what you want, long as that tractor is running by the time I sel it," Natalie said. "Anyway I've got to start selling cosmetics for the pep squad." She got out a sample case from the tractor and went up to Grandma's front door.

"I'm bored," said Melody. Sounds of yodelling began emanating from the Smith residence. From the house on the other side, Doc Splicer was laughing wildly in his basement. "There's nothing to do here," said Brogan. "No horse."

"Let's go see the tractor," said Melody.

"You know, that yodelling is getting to sound better," said Trudy. The children listened for a while.

"Let's go visit them," said Brogan."They invited us." He started towards the Smiths. Louise the poodle gave a happy yip and started after him.

Trudy started following as well."Hey, what's happening? I can't go over there. My dad would have a cow... But I can't seem to help myself..."

"It's strange," said Melody. "I feel mysteriously compelled to follow you guys."

"Hey Billy!" called Trudy. "Tell my folks we're going over to the Smiths!"

"Sure thing," said Billy. "As soon as I get the distributor cap back on. Whoops."

The children walked directly to the front door of the house, and Brogan pushed the doorbell. The door flew open and a metallic voice said, "Announcing Louise Antoinette Dorkelson, Trudy Noid, Melody Dorkelson, and Brogan Dorkelson."

"Come in, come in!" said Vortex Smith. She appeared to be a rather thin middle-aged woman with a beehive hairdo. "The door has already introduced you to us. So pleased to meet you," she said as they walked stiff-legged into the living room. She came over and gently stepped on each child's toe.

"I believe that is what you do when you greet?" she queried.

"Well, usually I think we're supposed to shake hands," said Melody.

"Oh, good," said Vortex. She began waving her hands around wildly in the air. The other two aliens did also. The children laughed and did the same.

"You see, you're the first humans we've really gotten to talk to. We're new here."

Louise the dog offered her paw to Vortex, head cocked to one side, with her tongue lolling out. Vortex imitated her precisely, and even wagged her rear end.

Brogan said, "Are you from outer space? You don't look it. Except for that guy." He pointed to a short conically built bluish figure which seemed to have several extra arms, though it was hard to tell, since he was constantly spinning on three stubby legs.

"And why did you make us come here?" said Trudy Noid. "Are we prisoners?"

"Oh, isn't that how you humans invite people over?" said Vortex.

"Usually we call them on the phone," said Melody.

"And so we did," said Mrs. Smith. "But you weren't coming over quickly enough. Allow me to introduce ourselves. I am Vortex Smith, and the short fellow there is my half-husband Baab. Commander E4 is out in the kitchen fixing some refreshments. And this is our genetically average child, Freon. He only hatched two days ago."

Freon Smith looked just like a normal ten-year-old earth kid, except that his hair was checkerboard red and green.

"Hi," he said. "I'm lonely because I've never had anyone to play with, but I'll probably get over it because I'm only two days old."

"Won't you come in and sit down?" asked his mother. She and Freon lay down on the floor with their feet up on the furniture. The children sat normally, and soon Freon and Vortex copied them.

"So that's how you do it. We didn't get very good training on the way here. Just basic training, a few country-and-western songs, and some hypnotic language instruction. I trust we always speaking correctly?"

"Uhh, sure. So what did you get training for? Are you here to take over the earth?" said Trudy.

"No, it was voice training," she said eagerly."We are going to become country music stars." Commander E4 came in the room from the kitchen. Commander E4 was in a sort of floating bathtub with a built-in tv at the foot. She was either wearing a fishscale dress or else she had a serious skin problem. She spoke while apparently playing a video game with a joystick built in the side of the bathtub. "We are definitely not here to take over the earth.The cost would be outrageous. You should see what we had to pay just for the flight to earth. And if you're talking invasion--do you realize what just one superboomoplanetoidsmasher costs these days? It's more than the average nintendo player earns on Spamo, you can bet. And besides, with all you humans here, who would want it? No, we have troubles of our own. Back on Spamo, things are so tight we must take turns breathing. We were packed in like sardines. So we decided to immigrate to America."

Vortex agreed eagerly, "A wonderful place, just wonderful. And we are going to work hard so that we won't be a burden to you. We still get a little money from the old planet thanks to the Commander's part-time job." The children crowded close to the video screen.

Melody glanced in the tub and saw the commander's tail. "Hey, you're a mermaid!" said Melody.

"You got a job playing nintendo?" said Brogan.

"She got a promotion," said Vortex. "This week Commander E4 is ruler of the known universe."

"You're kidding," said Trudy.

"No, it's true," said the Commander. "I won it in the lottery two weeks ago. It included two days of all-expenses- paid training, and I get a day off after my week is done, if the universe lasts that long..."

"Rats, you lost another one..." said Brogan. "What is this game you're playing, some kind of space wars?"

"That's what I was talking about. See there's this little war going on with the next galaxy."

Freon butted in, "That's not exactly in the known universe because everybody that goes there never comes back. So we don't know anything about it."

"Anyway," said E4, "I'm just supervising the fighting today."

"Wow, what a great explosion," said Brogan."Was that a superboomowhatchamacallit?"

"No, that was a supernova." They got that star. But watch this!" She maneuvered the joystick and clicked a couple of buttons. The screen went black. "There, that'll show them for a while..."

"What happened?" said Melody. Did the tv break?"

"No, we made a black hole! Let's see them get out of that one..."

Trudy said, "You remind me of my dad. You mean to say you just sent some bunch of creatures from this other galaxy to get squished in a black hole!"

"Oh no," assured E4. "We're much too civilized for that. We gave that up when we stopped voting for ruler of the universe. We just play video games against them and keep track of points."

Melody said, "But what about all those people that went there and never came back?"

Freon piped in, "Mom says they just don't want to, right Mom?"

"After all, we were glad enough to leave Spamo. I expect they were, too. I only hope they find a planet as nice as this one. And just think! Soon we will be country music stars and everything will be wonderful."

"Well," said Trudy, "You don't quite look like the average country singers that I've seen..."

"Wait till you see us in our costumes," said Freon.

"Oh yes," said Vortex. "We will get all gussied up in our rhinestone-studded cowperson suits, and you can tell us how we will wow the audience."

"Sure," said Brogan. "Can I play the video while you're getting ready?"

Melody said, "Brogan, that's not just a game. The fate of the known universe hinges on that video screen."

"Oh, let him try it," said Commander E4.

"They probably won't work their way out of the black hole for a while. But if they do, just go ahead and play them. If you do well maybe you can put your name in for the next week's lottery."

The short little spinning top named Baab finally spoke up. "I think I'll just see if there's any more oil in the kitchen."

("That's the one that changed the oil," whispered Trudy to Melody.

"I believe you now," whispered Melody.) Suddenly the bathtub was empty.

"Where did the Commander go?" said Brogan.

Freon said, "She went to get her costume on..."

"And we'll get ours, too," said his mother. The aliens left the children alone in the room. "Wow," said Melody, when she was sure they were alone. "That commander just disappeared like magic. What do you think about these, uhh, people?"

"I never thought aliens would be like this," said Brogan. "Except for the little spinning guy. He's regulation."

Trudy admitted, "I was scared coming over here, when that weird force sort of dragged us, but now it's kind of fun." There was an urgent knock at the window.

There stood Lloyd Noid, in camouflaged clothes with weapons secured all over him. They opened the window and he started to whisper. "I've seen the whole thing, and you've got to get out of here. I knew some of them looked strange, but that little merry- go-round beats all.You children get out of here right now. I've got a little surprise ready for these weirdos from outer space."

"No, Dad," said Trudy, "they're kind of nice, and you should meet them..."

"And let them perform some kind of weird experiments on me, like they were going to do with you? Stick you in the bathtub with that big fish or something? No, you kids get out of here. I know what these creatures need... Hot lead!"

"Oh, come on, Dad. Wait a minute, I know how shy you are with strangers, Dad. Come on in, and you can hide in the closet like you like to, and then you'll see that they really aren't so bad after all..."

"That's great thinking, Trudy. I'll hide in the closet, and when I've heard enough, I'll shout 'down!' and you kids will fall to the floor while I make it clear what creature it is that rules planet earth."

"Aww, Dad," said Trudy, but she was interrupted by sounds of the aliens returning. Her father dashed into the closet, with the door cracked open.

They came in singing, "I felt so blue and lonesome, when you said goodbye, the lonesomeness is gone now, but the blue's still in my eyes..." ("Not just their eyes," thought Brogan.)

They were wearing matching red checkered shirts with red bandannas at the neck (except for Baab, who didn't have a neck), and rhinestone-studded blue jeans. Commander E4 reappeared in the tub with special jeans with only one leg, taper fitted to her tail.

"Here are our wonderful outfits!" said Vortex , patting her hair tower into place.

"Gee," said Trudy."All you need is some suspenders and you'd look like total yokels."

"Suspenders? What are suspenders? Have you developed suspended animation?" asked Baab.

"No. They're just some stretchy long things that go on your jeans and over your shoulders, well, if you have shoulders. They hold your pants up," Trudy said.

"That cone shape of Baab's, his pants couldn't come down no matter what," said Brogan. "He must take them off over his head."

"What Trudy means is they need suspenders to finish their costumes," said Melody. "Costumes! Yes. It is essential that we have successful costumes to be country music stars," said Vortex. "Where can we get these 'suspenders'?" asked Freon. None of the children knew.

"We must have them," said Commander E4. "We don't have many dollars--just a few we earned with a neighborhood mail order computer sale. But we make diamonds in our spare time and can trade them for some of these suspenders. Everything must be right for our opening as music stars."

The video screen on the bathtub became active again, with lots of wormholes appearing all over it.

"Kreeble! They used wormholes to escape the singularity. I will fold them up in a space warp so tight that they will think they are crumpled paper."

Lloyd Noid listened intently to E4 from the closet. Baab started to make a fizzing sound and left to go to the kitchen. The children watched raptly as E4 handled the controls.

Vortex called after Baab, "Really you should not have any more oil tonight, Baab. You know it makes you slippery."

"Skibble. Spitnak!" said Baab.

"Oh, dear," said Vortex. "Too late..." Commander E4 maneuvered the controls on the bathtub. "We will scramble you, shuffle you, garble you, and blorgle you!" Lloyd Noid was becoming very nervous. He thought Commander E4 was talking about the children, or possibly even the whole United States of America. He was just pondering when to blast all the aliens, when the doorbell rang.

"Announcing Miss Natalie Owens selling cosmetics," said the door. Billy's sister was making the neighborhood rounds once again.

"How do you do? I'm Natalie with Suzie Q Cosmetics, which I'm selling to send our pep club to state, and I know I've caught you at the right time to show you a sample of our complete line of New Age Cosmetics."

"That sounds delicious," said Vortex. "I'm always glad to meet another earthling. Please come in and join us. Feel free to take your head off. You deserve a break-in today."

"Uh, thanks. Is this some kind of costume party? Because I really think we've got a line of costume makeup which would accent the blue color in your uhh, son or daughter's face."

Baab came back in trailing drops of oil. Its spinning cone was glowing, and some of its arms or legs or whatever were shooting out lightning bolts.

"Well, anyway, I can see that there are enough uh, people, here to have a Suzie Q party!" She pulled out a party hat, opened up her sample case, and turned on a boombox. She sat down next to Freon.

"Hi, I'm Natalie, and I'm a Libra, and I think its very possible that I met you in another life somewhere. Did you ever hang around Babylonia?"

Freon said, "Well, no, actually I was just hatched a couple of days ago, and I haven't quite worked through the complete geography of the area. Is that anywhere near Betelgeuse?"

"Wow! Astral traveling. I could have sworn when I came here that you people would be Presbyterians or something. Now Suzie Q has a special line of cologne for with-it into-everything people like you. It's called Channel number 5. Here, catch the scent of that myrrh. Doesn't that take you back to Sumeria?"

At this point Baab grabbed the bottle from her and drank the whole thing. He began to glow bright purple. He stopped whirling and pointed some sparking appendages towards Natalie. Vortex tried to get between them. "No, Baab! Patu Naguma! Quick, Freon--open window!" Freon opened the window facing the back yard, while Vortex nervously guided Baab towards the window. The children followed warily, and watched as Vortex pointed toward the large tree outside. Baab was now making a loud humming noise, and flashing orange and purple alternately. "The tree, Baab. Fatu nagorga!"

There was a blinding flash, and when they recovered their sight, Baab was back to his normal spinning self. "Hey, the tree is gone!" said Melody. "Awesome!" said Brogan.

"And then some!" said Trudy.

"I've seen enough!" shouted Lloyd Noid, as he popped out of the closet. "Kids, hit the floor! I'm going to nail these weirdos!" He leveled his assault rifle at the aliens. The children obediently dropped to the floor. E4 pushed a button on her bathtub and the aliens all started laughing! "Wonderful! Such a treat!You brought us an assassin for our closet! How thoughtful of you!" said Vortex.

"Just like home," said Commander E4.

"OK, this is it!" said Lloyd Noid. He pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. He charged towards them with the bayonet. E4 touched another button and he froze in midspace.

"Wow, can I keep him?" said Freon.

"Err, uhh, he's my father..." said Trudy sheepishly.

"That's fine, dear," said Vortex.

"No, Freon, you see, he belongs to Trudy. Maybe she'll let you play with him sometimes, though."

"What's going on?" asked Melody.

"Where's the tree?" asked Brogan.

"It's simple to explain," said Vortex, "Baab just got a little too much oil, and had to get rid of a little excess energy."

"We would have moved that tree sooner or later, anyway." Freon said, "Trees make us very nervous."

"But what's happened to my Dad?"

Commander E4 said, "I imagine he got frustrated when his bullets wouldn't work, so he tried to stab us, and of course that's not allowed, even if I wasn't ruler of the known universe. So he's just in suspension while the biomagnetic computer works over his thought processes."

"Does that hurt?"

"Of course not. He'll just be a kinder, gentler human. We do this kind of thing all the time..." "Yes," said Freon. "Don't be surprised if you see the roof of our garage pop open tonight. We like to go out in our Galactic 8 Starcruiser and abduct humans."

"It's just a hobby," said Vortex. "We usually overwhelm them with peaceful thoughts and make their cars stop on isolated back roads, and turn on our flashing colored lights on our cruiser, and watch them float up into the entry hatch."

Freon said, "Then we conduct weird scientific experiments on them, and erase all their memories of it, except for dreams, of course, and then return them just like new to their cars." "Even better, sometimes," said Commander E4. "Our computer sometimes makes little improvements on unhappy humans. Like your father..."

"Ohh," said Trudy.

"Say," said Natalie. "I'm getting the idea that you folks, like, aren't from around here. I mean, like, you are really aliens, right?"

"Direct from Spamo..." said E4.

"Wow. Do you think I could be the first to sell Suzie Q cosmetics interplanetary? I mean, if I did that, I think I'd win a purple Rolls Royce for sure..."

Baab whirled a little faster. "I take it 42 bottles of cologne please..."

"No you don't, Baab. You know we don't have much of the local money yet," said Vortex

Trudy's father suddenly became mobile again. He sat down in a chair, and took off all his weapons, as Trudy watched in amazement.

"How are you doing, Dad?" she asked.

"Just fine," said Lloyd. "Well, I reckon I'd better get on back to the house. It sure is nice meeting you folks. You stop over tomorrow and come to supper, alright?"

"Do you serve Cologne?" asked Baab. "If you're coming I'll get some," said Lloyd.

Natalie followed him to the door. "I know his favorite flavor," she said eagerly. And to the Smiths she said, "And I'll be back to talk about planet-to-planet sales with you, soon."

"Yes," said Vortex. "This door-to-door sales is a brilliant idea. I think we should start selling computers that way, instead of by mail."

"Yes," said Natalie."You meet the most interesting, uh, people, on this job..."

As Lloyd and Natalie left, Commander E4's video screen began flashing out with searing laser beams carving holes in the wall.

"Ha! Do those miserable snerds think that is a problem for me?" said E4.

"What are you going to do?" asked Brogan.

"I don't have any idea. But I will think of something. The fate of the known universe rests in dealing with these tworts."

"Perhaps you children had better run along and let the Commander concentrate on saving the universe. Oh, but I just remembered something. Besides these suspenders, we are extremely eager to try out hoola hoops. We heard about how they are all the rage on the journey to earth."

"What are hoola hoops?" said Brogan.

"Oh. I think I know," said Trudy. "Kids used spin these hoops around their middles. They were made of plastic."

"Perhaps our information is slightly out of date. Oh, I get it.We were monitoring your transmissions starting forty light years away. That was forty years ago."

"I think we were mistaken about a lot of things. They don't look as blue or talk as fast as we thought, either," said Freon. "Too bad..."

"Anyway," said Vortex."We will pay well for hoola hoops and suspenders.And here is a sample of the diamonds, in case you do not think they are of the finest quality." She gave each child a diamond the size of a peanut.

"Gee, thanks!" The children said, and they left as a terrible smell emerged from the now quieter video screen. "What? They think to bother me with Stinkovision? Ha, I will send them the worst case of hiccups they have ever seen!"

"Come again soon!" said Vortex. "I'll play with you tomorrow, if I don't outgrow such things by then," said Freon.
 

Chapter 3 : Meanwhile Back at the Ranch house
 

"There, now," said Grandma. "You and Alice can sleep in the washroom on that pile of old rugs. I'm sure you'll be snug as a bug, tee hee... And, umm, whatshisname can sleep in the guest bed, and my friend Norma I'm sure won't mind sleeping in bed with me."

"But what about the kids, Mom?"

"Who? Oh, the children. Well, they can sleep on the living room floor. Oh, it'll be a bit crowded, but we'll manage. I remember that one time we had the family reunion here, back in, let's see, when was that family reunion? Were you born yet, Darrell?"

"I'm Donald, Mom."

"Of course you are. You always have been. Darrell and I named you ourselves..."

"Which family reunion are you talking about, Mom?"

"Are we going to have a family reunion? Lands, it gets so crowded around here when we have one of those, you can't hear yourself think... Sounds like fun, anyway."

"Say, how did you come to know this Norma, anyway? Some kind of business deal?"

"Now let's see. Oh, no. Not business! I'm just helping her out with a banking investigation."

"You know, Mom, that makes me kind of nervous. I've heard of swindlers posing as bank examiners."

"Oh, lands, no. She's not a swindler. It's a teller at the bank that's the crook."

"Well, I think you'd better leave that kind of thing to the police. I don't trust that pair any farther than I could throw them."

Throgmorton and Lill entered the room. Morton was eying silver candlestick holders, while Lill was noticing where Grandma hung all her keys.

"Well, here they are now!" said Grandma. "I was just thinking about playing a few hands of cards, since I've got company. Do you play cards?" she said to Throgmorton.

"Oh yes. I never turn down a game."

"Oh, good," said Grandma. "We'll play Old Maid. I do love a few hands of cards in the evening."

"Oh, I was thinking of something along the lines of a friendly little game of poker..." said Throgmorton.

"Ha ha, of course you're joking," said Grandma. "After all, poker is gambling, and gambling is a sin!"

"Oh," said Throgmorton.

"You learn something new every day," said Lill.

"I'll fix some refreshments. You do like Hi-C?"

"I don't know," said Throgmorton, "I've never had it.

Is it like a highball?"

"You learn something new every day," said Lill.

They launched into a few merry hands of Old Maid. By the end of the first, Lill was yawning profusely. By the second, Throgmorton was looking around desperately for an excuse to quit. He had just pleaded for the third time that he should quit to go to bed (it was only 8:00, Grandma countered) when Melody and Brogan returned from visiting the Smiths.

"Wow!" said Brogan, "did we have a great time at the Smiths! They have a videogame and I almost got to try being ruler of the universe and..."

Melody broke in, "There's a boy about our age and Trudy's father came over and..."

"Now, now," said Grandma. "That's nice you got to meet the new neighbors, and I'm sure you had fun playing those video games. But you know I just can't stand hearing about all that video foofaraw. And here you are interrupting our card game with our guests..."

"But Grandma," said Brogan. "The fate of the known universe rests on whether Commander E4 can counter the other galaxy's Stinkovision!"

"Well, I tell you what," said Grandma. "I'll listen to the whole story after your teeth are brushed and you're ready for bed."

"But Grandma," said Melody. "Look at this diamond they gave me!" Lill's eyes suddenly lost the lackluster haze which she had since the second game of Old Maid.

"Let me see that!" she said, grabbing the stone out of Melody's hand. "They said they had lots of them, and wanted to trade for suspenders and hoolahoops."

"Hoolahoops! I haven't seen one of those things for years. Remember when you got one back in fifty, hmm, let's see, was it fifty-six? Oh my, finally, everybody had one. Lands, it seems to me that Hubert Toffler dumped a whole crate of those out in the creek bed up in the back of our quarter section. You remember Hubert Toffler. He used to have the Woolworth's store there in Millwood. Now I hear those hoolahoops are collector's items."

"They'll trade for diamonds!" said Brogan.

"It's just like my baseball card collection," said Donald, who wasn't taking the conversation very seriously."If I had kept all the cards I had from when I was a kid, you can bet I could buy all the bubble gum I wanted, now..."

"I didn't know you liked bubble gum, Dad," said Brogan.

"Who gave you this?" said Lill, cradling the diamond in her palm.

"Up to bed with you now," said Grandma. "You're interfering with our game."

"The next door neighbor," said Melody, snatching the diamond before Lill could clutch it, and darting off down the hallway, saying to Brogan, "I'll beat you to the bathroom!" That statement effectively ended the card game, since a fight broke out between Brogan and Melody in this perpetual war, which took the full attention of Don and Alice, as well as a lot of extra advice from Grandma, in order to get the children settled into bed. One result of this skirmish was that no one asked the children any more questions about their visit to the Smiths. This was unfortunate for the Dorkelsons, who usually enjoyed discussing the childrens' day at bedtime. However, it proved to be doubly unfortunate for Lill and Throgmorton, who neglected to ask them certain important details about their experience... "Don't you think we should take a little walk to get some fresh air, Lill?" said Throgmorton. Lill was thinking about how to get the diamonds away from the soon sleeping children, and couldn't imagine Throgmorton taking a walk. Throgmorton, she thought, who generally lived in the smoke filled and stale beer environment of the tavern, why would he want fresh air?

"Are you crazy?" she said. He grabbed her by the elbow and headed her out the door.

"We must case the neighbor's house at once," he whispered.

"You heard that meddling son of hers talk about swindlers. I want to be gone by morning, and I wouldn't mind taking a few diamonds when I go..."
 

Meanwhile, in his basement laboratory, Doctor Splicer was talking seriously with his lab assistant. "Max, I have a confession to make to you."

"Yes, Doctor," the four foot tall white mouse said. "I am honored to have you confide in me."

"I gotta tell you, that I was not at the head of my graduating class from veterinary school."

"No, really!" said Max, twitching his whiskers in an agitated manner."What part of the class were you in then?"

"Well, let's just say towards the tail, Max. And I want you to know that I always wanted to be a research scientist, instead of a country horse doctor."

"And now you are doing just what you wanted, Doctor. You must feel very good."

"No, Max, I don't. It's not enough to do genetic recombinant research here in my secret basement laboratory. I want the Nobel Prize, Max."

"And you deserve it, Doctor, even if you only had limited success with your projects until you bought that biomagnetic computer through the mail. You deserve much credit.After all, I owe my brilliant brain and superior size to your work."

"Yes, and there's not a larger white mouse, nor a smarter one, in any research establishment on earth..."

"Thank you, Doctor, I am honored by your compliment."

"But still, I want name recognition Max, I want fame, I want prominence, I want renown. But, mainly I'm just dying to see more results! This is so much fun, mixing up genes and popping them back together."

"Doctor, you have what it takes to be a great mad scientist."

"Thank you, Max."

"But occasionally I question whether your research is totally ethical."

"Ethical, schmethical. What I want is some more live meat to try out some of these new genetic extracts you have been producing for me... I'm so eager to see what happens to Mrs. Dorkelson's horse, for instance. And this rhinoceros tusk extract is positively intriguing."

"Yes, doctor, I feel that such an extract could help stop the extinction of rhinoceroses by poachers, and..." A loud moo was heard overhead. Max went scurrying away through a two-foot round hole in the wall.

"Ahahahaha! Visitors!" said Doctor Splicer. He rushed upstairs, carrying the rhinoceros tusk extract with him.
 

Outside Dr. Splicer's door, Throgmorton allowed himself the luxury of a maniac laugh himself. "Moo ah hah hah hah! Look, no alarms, just an ordinary suburban ranch house. This will be a piece of cake.We just have to convince this nut that we have a good supply of suspenders and hoola hoops, so we can see where he keeps the goods. Then we bag the swag, and by morning, it's zoom to the Bahamas."

"Ahahahaha!Welcome! Welcome! I'm so pleased to meet you! Come in and have some refreshments!"

"It wouldn't be Hi-C, by any chance?" said Lill.

"You want Hi-C, I'll see what I can do."

"Let me explain what we're doing here at this late hour," said Throgmorton.

"Who cares? I am so pleased to have you here. Honored, in fact. I never know if someone I meet might some day help me win the Nobel Prize. You must have some refreshments."

"Well, really, I just wanted to tell you, in case you are interested, that I have heard how you are interested in hoola hoops and suspenders, and I assure you that I can get you a very good supply of them, no questions asked."

"You mean I can't ask you any questions?" said the doctor. "Certainly you can."

"You just said 'no questions.'"

"I meant that I wouldn't ask you any questions about what you might want these things for." "That's good, because I have no idea what I would do with them. But, I do wish to ask you some questions, since I like to follow up on my research. But first, the refreshments!" He went out to the kitchen, and Throgmorton and Lill immediately began moving pictures and searching the room for any place one could hide diamonds.

Lill whispered, "This guy is going to be a tough nut to crack.. He pretends he's not interested in hoola hoops and suspenders."

"He's just being cagey, Lill. I'll work through his defenses." As the doctor reentered with two glasses of orange drink, Throgmorton was just moving aside a large painting.

"Ahahahaha! I see you like my walls! Here, drink heartily and I will ask you my questions." He got out a clipboard. "Do either of you have a history of heart palpitations, bronchial secretions, or whooping cough?"

"Well, no."

"Do you have trouble sleeping nights?"

"Only when I have to stay up to do business."

"Where can I locate you in twenty-four hours, and what is your daytime phone number?" "Well, we're going on a business trip tomorrow, er, to Alaska."

"Oh, what a shame! I was hoping I could see you again. I tell you what, here's a stamped, self-addressed post card. I insist that you drop me a note to say how you are doing."

"Well, that's most kind of you, doctor. Now, as to the business of hoolahoops and suspenders, I do have a very good supply, and I understand you'd like to trade diamonds for them."

"That is a most interesting understanding that you have."

"That is the impression the children visiting next door gave me."

"Children? What do I know about children? Ahahahaha!"

"Moo ah hah hah!" laughed Throgmorton, who always enjoyed a good lunatic laugh.

"No, you must laugh like this," said Dr.Splicer. "Ahahaha!"

"Moo ah hah hah!"

"Less moo."

"What do you think I am--a sick cow?" said Throgmorton. "The Throgmorton laugh is unique."

"Morton, I'm beginning to think we have come to the wrong neighbor," said Lill. "Moo ah hah hah! Ohh, yes, that explains it," said Throgmorton."So we'd better be going. Sorry to inconvenience you." They handed him the empty glasses.

"Ahahahahah! The pleasure has been mine. And please, don't forget to send me that postcard!" They left the doctor's house immediately, and headed for the Smith residence at once.

"That poor man is so lonely, he wants everyone he meets to send him postcards," said Lill. "There was something strange about him, Lill. He had a rather diabolical laugh, if you ask me."

"But so do you, darling...You love to laugh like this: Moo ah hah hah!"

"Moo ah hah hah! So I do, Lill. Are you implying that there is something strange about me?"

"There is something strange about everybody, darling." This was especially prophetic, considering that she had not yet met the Smiths. Nor were they destined to, on this particular evening... When they arrived at the Smith house, no one was home except for the door, since the Smiths were out cruising in their Galactic 8 Starcruiser.

"The Smiths are currently out," said the door.

"They must have some sort of recording," said Throgmorton. "Usually people play recordings of radios on and dogs barking to make it sound like they are home. This one announces they are gone. The Smiths must be uncommonly stupid."

"That's just your opinion," said the door.

"Oh, excuse me," said Throgmorton, thinking quickly. "I thought you were a recording. I just meant that with all the house break-ins that occur, most people don't like people to know when their house is empty. But I see that someone is home after all, since you are talking to us, and there must be a microphone somewhere so that you can hear me."

"A lot you know," said the door."You've just never met a computerized door before, Throgmorton."

"How did you know my name?" said Throgmorton.

"It is my business to know everyone's name, so that I can announce them properly when they enter."

"Must've gotten it from my social security record... Aren't computers amazing?" said Throgmorton.

"Thank you," said the door.

"So no living human is at home?"

"There never are any humans here, unless they are visiting."

"Hmm, well. Lill and I are just here to do some housecleaning for the Smiths, so why don't you open up for us."

"Why don't you say why you really came here? About the diamonds..." said the door.

"Oh, er, yes. You see, we have a goodly collection of suspenders and hoolahoops, and we understand we could trade them for diamonds."

"That is exactly correct, except for this: you don't have any suspenders or hoolahoops."

"Er, well, no, not with us, of course. We left them over at the house with our luggage."

"Yes, we didn't want to risk having such valuable property stolen, before we had seen the diamonds we were trading for," said Lill.

"That is incorrect.You both have very little luggage, preferring to spend other people's money as needed and discard your goods when finished. And among your possessions are zero hoolahoops and zereo suspenders."

"Moo ah ha ha! Yes, that is true. But we know where to get some."

"No you don't," said the door."And judging from your character assessment inventory, I don't think I'd let you in, even if the Smiths were home."

"Not even if we found some suspenders or hoolahoops?"

"In that case, yes, I'd have to."

Lill said to Throgmorton, "This is just some silly trick door. Why don't we break in, get the diamonds, and go?"

"Would you like me to answer that question?"A brilliant red laser beam cut a neat line on the ground in front of their feet. The sidewalk smoldered.

"All right.We're going!" said Throgmorton, jumping back five feet. But we'll be back with the goods!"

"Diamonds are my best friends," said Lill, heartbroken.

"The nerve of that contraption," said Throgmorton to Lill as they walked rapidly past the last remaining large tree on the boulevard in front of theSmith residence."I'd like to..." His words were blotted out by a red beam of light which cut a silhouette of Morton P. Throgmorton's face on the bark of the tree. Its glowing embers convinced him not to finish the sentence, even though he muttered about it not being a very good likeness... Coming back to Grandma Dorkelson's house, they noticed the broken tractor, tow truck, and junker car all blocking Grandma's car in the garage, and realized that if they were to leave that evening, they would have to go by foot.

"Never!" said Throgmorton. "A Throgmorton always leaves in style."

"Not only has this been a bad day for business," said Lill, "but it's also so boring here I can't stand it."

"Boring? You call being shot at with lasers boring?"

"No, darling.That's just a part of business. I'm talking about staying with the old lady. If I have to play Old Maid again, I'll jump out the window."

"It wouldn't do you any good, since the whole house is only one story high."

"At least it would be a dramatic exit. I've never had such a boring Friday night."

"This is not going to be as easy as I thought," said Throgmorton.
 

Chapter 4 : Another Boring Day at Grandma's
 

The next morning Don and Alice decided to help Grandma with her bills. Grandma said she didn't need any help, but there were quite a few bills lying around the house, some of them in rather unusual places. Once they started, Louise the dog helped ferret out bills from under sofa cushions, inside the closets, behind the toilet, bringing them to Don and Alice by the mouthful.

Since it was so hot outside, Melody and Brogan were stuck poking about the odd corners of Grandma's too-ordinary house.

"Why should it be so blistering hot when it's fall already?" said Melody. "And the pools are all closed. The perfect setup for terminal boredom!"

"Why don't you look at all the stuff in my stuff closet?" said Grandma.

"What's in it?" said Brogan.

"Oh, whatever," said Grandma. To Don she said, "Now I always pay the power bill on the tenth. I wonder why they say they're going to shut off the power in two days?"

"Say, Vera," said Alice. "There's some checks in your checkbook where you forgot to write down how much they were for. One of them is to Natalie Owens. And here's one to Vortex Smith. That's an unusual name."

"Smith. That name doesn't ring a bell..."

"Hey, look at this!" said Brogan.

"Oh, that's a stereo-opticon," said Grandma. "I've got one kind of like these at home," said Brogan. "But it's in color."

" Smith. Didn't you say the new neighbors' name was Smith?" asked Alice.

"That's what it says on their mailbox. Of course, we haven't been formally introduced..." Brogan said, "Maybe Grandma bought a bionetic 'puter from them through the mail." "Grandma--a computer?" said Don. "That's it! I remember now. I bought one for the kids. I think it cost fifteen dollars and seventy-five cents."

"Mom, computers cost like fifteen hundred dollars, not fifteen dollars and 5 cents."

Alice was still studying the check book. "What about Natalie Owens?" said Alice.

"What about her?" said Grandma.

"She's Billy the Kid's sister," said Brogan.

"Billy the Kid? You mean the kid with the rent-a-hulk service? Why would Grandma write a check to anyone from that family?"

"Oh, that was the tractor down payment," said Grandma.

"You mean you bought a tractor from that girl?"

"It was for a good cause. And she said it would help a lot with the lawn mowing."

"I wonder why she came back here again..." said Don.

"I guess she was just trying her best customers over again," said Melody. "That's what I did with my school pizza sales."

"Yes, I know," said Don. "We've still got ten of them in the freezer at home..."

"Here's a box of suspenders!" said Brogan.

"Oh, those were Grandpa's," said Melody.

"Could we give some to the Smiths next door sometime?" asked Melody. Don said firmly, "That depends on how much Grandma's check to them was for... And where is this computer, anyway? They usually take up quite a bit of room."

"Not the Smith kind. They're about the size of a magazine," said Melody.

"It must be just some cheap toy one," said Alice.

"Well, what about the suspenders?" asked Brogan.

"Sure," said Grandma.

"Wow! Look at all these ties!" said Brogan. "Can I wear some?"

"Certainly," said Grandma.

"We could put on a show," said Melody, grabbing a bunch of costume jewelry.

"Nah, maybe later," said Brogan, looking out the window. It's turned cloudy out. Maybe it's a little cooler. Let's go out to the barn to see if Grandma's horse is back yet."

Outside, there seemed to be plenty of action. Billy the kid was back working on various of the broken vehicles in the driveway. The Smiths were hanging out their wash, which appeared to be totally dry.

"That doesn't even need drying," called Melody.

Freon's mother Vortex called back, "No,it's an old Spamovian custom. Hang out dry clothes and the weather will change. We are bored with this weather and want something more interesting. On Spamo you could always count on methane and ammonia storms to keep you on your flippers. And my googul, how our windows did sparkle from all the ammonia!"

"Can Freon come out and play?" asked Brogan.

"Perhaps in a little while. He is not on vacation like you children. He must get in his full fifteen minutes of class time."

"You mean he only goes to school for fifteen minutes?"

"Of course. Who could stand school any longer than that?" said Vortex.

Trudy Noid came across the street.

"How come you're not in school?" asked Melody.

"Because it's Saturday, that's why," said Trudy.

Brogan called over to Vortex. "How come Freon has to go to school on Saturday?"

"What is Saturday?" asked Vortex, as she headed back toward her house.

"I don't know, I'm just a kid..." said Brogan.

To Trudy, Melody said, "What's your dad doing over there? Is he going to plant a tree?"

"No, he's just finishing burying his gun collection. Boy, was Mom surprised when he said he was going to do that..."

"Rats!" said Brogan. "Now I can't see his guns anymore."

"Oh, let's go out to the barn," said Melody. The three children went in the door to the stable. As they entered, a loud scurrying sound was heard. The tip of a tail just whisked out of sight as they came to Sister Peg's stall. Dr. Splicer was with her, inspecting her shoulders closely.

"Oh, hi," said Melody. "How is Grandma's horse doing?"

"Well, I can't see anything yet," said the doctor. "I mean, I don't see any infection on the cat scratches."

"Did a cat scratch her?" asked Brogan.

"Yeah, a big one. I guess we've got a cougar up in the gulch somewhere."

"Wow!" said Melody. "Say, I thought I saw the tail of something going out the other door just as we came in."

"Yeah, so did I," said Trudy. "It was kind of like a cougar's tail."

"Oh, I don't think a cougar would come down here," said the doctor, "not in the daytime. Of course I remember a couple years back when a cougar was treed right here in the Spokane Valley. They called me in to shoot it with a tranquilizer gun." The children forgot about the tail they had seen, as the doctor told his own tale. Soon he left, and the children watched Sister Peg eating hay.

"I bet this horse is smart," said Brogan.Peg lifted her head, pulling up a tuft of hay. "There, see, she agrees with me." She stamped a hoof on the floor. "She can probably count, too." He counted how many times she stamped. "See, she counted to four!" said Brogan.

Melody said, "Hey, if we did a show, she could be in it. I bet we could teach her lots of tricks. Maybe I could ride on her back and juggle like in the circus."

"Can you juggle?" asked Trudy.

"Not much, but I could learn," said Melody.

"I could be a magician," said Brogan. "I can hide a stick up my sleeve."

"What could I do?" asked Trudy.

"Can you do somersaults?" said Brogan. "Of course."

"How about cartwheels?" said Melody. "You can be the acrobat." As the children happily planned their pretend show, Max the mouse listened to them from above in the hay loft. That's the life, thought Max. They can put on a show, and make people happy. But I'm destined to be the secret rodent experiment of Dr. Splicer, never to have friends, never to find self esteem on my own.I think I should run away and join a circus. That's the life! Where do laboratory mice ever get? Nowhere. At best, a run on the exercise wheel, if they're lucky. But look at all the mice in show biz. Mickey Mouse... Mighty Mouse... Maybe I could find a partner and team up. After all, where would Tom be without Jerry?
 

Chapter 5: Saturday Afternoon
 

After lunch, the sun had come out again hot and muggy, and Melody and Brogan were soon at loose ends, somewhat like the state of the financial records Alice and Don were poring over.

Melody finally decided to get out her report on Sousa to work on for a while.

"Where's your encyclopedia, Grandma?" she asked.

"It's in the hall closet," Grandma responded. Melody fished around in the closet for a while, and Brogan settled in to watch. Finally she found an old set of books that looked promising. She opened the one to "S."

"Oh, no!" she finally said.

"What?" asked Brogan.

"Sousa's not in here. This encyclopedia must be older than Sousa. Rats."

"I bet if we could find Grandma's magnetic 'puter, it would help a lot," said Brogan. They went and asked Grandma again if she remembered where it was.

"Oh, I don't know. I remember where all the old things are. It's the new ones that cause all the trouble." Louise pawed through a pile of papers and nosed out a small gadget with a number of buttons and a screen on it.

"Say," said Don. "Is this it?"

"Yes!" said Melody.

"Well, take it away from here. We've got to concentrate on straightening out these bills."

They took the computer by a sunny window to get a better look at it.

"How do you plug it in?" asked Brogan.

"It's already blinking!" said Melody. "Maybe it's got a battery."

"But what do all those symbols mean on the buttons?" asked Brogan.

"Wait a minute," said Melody. "It's saying something on the screen:

English. You are speaking English. Is this planet Earth? (y/n)

We're supposed to push yes or no. Look, the buttons have regular typewriter letters now." She typed yes. "Oh, now it says: "

Do you want vocal interface on? (y/n)

We better say no. I don't know what it is.

What do you want to: A. Know? or B. Do?

Oh, well that's easy..." She typed in,

Ier have tto writter a pdaper on Souse.

"Boy, it sure is hard to type good."

That's alright, said the computer screen. How long do you want the report to last?

"It's supposed to be five pages, and even a bibliography."

That's fine, she read. But how long should the report last, before it biodegrades?

"Biodegrades? You mean, like compost?"

Exactly. Seven earth days? One revolution around your sun?

"Well, let's see, it's due on Tuesday. She should read it and have it back by Friday."

"What's it talking about?" said Brogan.

"Well, I think it makes the paper fall apart after you don't need it anymore. Sort of like how those plastic shopping bags are supposed to break down in a while.

This is the system, read the computer screen. I take sunlight for energy and use elements from the air, and force Carbon, Hydrogen, and Oxygen to form paper. Their molecular structure is engineered to break down into constituent elements at the time you specify.

"What's that mean?" asked Brogan.

Melody laughed, "I think it means that if we wanted to, we could make the paper fall apart right while the teacher was reading it."

Vaporize, to be precise, said the computer.

"That would be a good trick for a magic show," said Brogan.

"Oh, well," said Melody. I've got to write this report on Sousa."

"Press 'enter' when ready," Melody read on the screen.

"Well, I don't know if I'm ready, but here goes..." She pushed the right key, and there was a very brief pause. Biotic input beginning. Spell checking is now in progress. Grammar checking has been completed. Thought processes examined for clarity and felicity of expression. The paper is now being printed.

Pieces of paper started spewing out of a slot on the side of the computer. She picked it up and read a sample:

Although Sousa enjoyed a modest successwith musical operettas, most notably El Capitan (1895), it is as a composer of marches that John Phillip Sousa endures.

"Gosh," said Brogan. "You can use that in your paper. It's better than an encyclopedia."

The last page came out, and Melody looked it over carefully.

"This is my paper!" she said. "It's got my name at the top of the every page, and everything."

As she turned the pages, different Sousa marches could be faintly heard.

"I guess the computer even knows Sousa's marches. It's playing Stars and Stripes Forever..."

"That's not the computer!" shouted Brogan. "It's coming out of the little tuba symbol on the corner of the page."

As they turned to the next page, it switched to another march. "Actually, that's a sousaphone, not a tuba," said Melody.

"Gosh," said Brogan."I didn't know writing papers wasso easy. I thought you had to know something first."

"Well, I do know all this--like how his first sousaphone in the 1890's had the bell pointed up, and people called it the 'raincatcher.'"

"I suppose you learned about that at school," said Brogan.

"No, I just started on this paper now... Did you know that he published three novels and over a hundred magazine articles in addition to all of his musical work?"

"No, but I'm not interested," said Brogan.

"Yes, but how did I know it?"

She looked at the computer screen.

Research paper and biotic output complete.

What do you want to: A. Know? or B. Do?

"I think I get it," she said. "Somehow the computer just transferred the information right into my head. Boy, does that save a lot of trouble."

"That must be how Freon gets done with school so quickly."

"Gee, I wish I had one of these things," said Trudy.

Invalid entry, read the computer screen, State your wish as a command.

"Umm, I'd like a computer too, please," said Trudy.

Very polite command. Cloning in process.

"Me one too!" said Brogan.

Improve your grammar. Very well, you one, too.

"Nothing's happening..." said Trudy.

These things take time to synthesize.

"Well, we'll check later," said Melody. "Let's go see if Freon can come out to play."

As they went out the door, they heard Don discussing finances with his mother. "Well, you see, Mom, when you filed your income tax last year, that was really the extended date for the previous year's form, so you really haven't submitted any tax form for last year, yet."

"I think I have to bake some cookies, now," said Vera vaguely.

"I feel the same way," said Alice.

"Now, Mom, you really have to deal with this, sometime."

"But I think I have some good reason to make cookies..."

"Oh, Don, let's just work on it for a while and she can sign the form when we have something figured out."

"That sounds fine to me," said Grandma, and she went off to the kitchen. She cornered Lill and convinced her that Norma Lill was going to get a rare chance to learn how to make Grandma's special tingaling recipe. Throgmorton came in where Don and Alice were working and glared out the window at Billy the Kid, who had parts strewn all over the driveway.

Don spoke to Throgmorton rather testily: "I suppose you feel inconvenienced by the broken rigs out there..."

"Inconvenience is not the word, my dear sir. I have places to go, and people to see. An investment business thrives on contacts, and here I am totally isolated. Besides, there's an important business meeting I must attend as soon as possible in the Bahamas."

"Why don't you just take a taxi?"

"A Throgmorton would rather die, than take public transportation."

Donald, at this point, would have been happy with either alternative for Throgmorton. There was an uncomfortable silence. Throgmorton finally spoke up."You seem to be a man of figures yourself--an accountant, perhaps."

"Hah! That's a laugh, I'm an artist by trade. Printmaking mostly..."

Throgmorton recalled his own attempts at printing counterfeit money. "Ahh, yes, I've done a bit of printing in my time. Nothing too successful, just a bit of engraving..."

Ohh, no, thought Alice, don't get him started on art... This is vacation...

"No kidding!" said Don. "Actually art is more of a passion than a business with me..."

"I'll say!" interjected Alice.

"Like I'll be looking at a wall, and I'll think, now that wall really needs something on it. That wall over there, for instance."

"Oh-Oh!" said Alice, hurrying into the kitchen. "Vera, is there an art museum in Spokane?" "Oh, yes, right down in the old part of town. I think it's near a park."

"I've got to phone them. I think Don's having an art attack."

"Really? Wouldn't an ambulance do better?"

"Not his heart, ART! He's looking at your blank wall in the living room with that special gleam in his eye. He'll have out his paints and start painting a mural unless I can find help."

Out in the living room, Don was transfixed. "I think this part of the wall could be 'The March of Progress.' Now, counter to that, would be, 'The Death of Nature and Return of the Earth Mother.' And in between, I'll paint, 'Who are We, What Do We Think We're Doing Here, and Who Cares About It?'"

Alice carried in the phone. "Don, phone call for you."

"Not now, dear, I'm busy." She held the phone to his ear. "Cheney-Cowles Art Museum? Really? Yes, well I was just... Yes, of course I understand about funding... Well, I was thinking a mural... About the way things are, of course. Oh. I see... Yes, I guess it makes sense that art has to be approved in advance... Well, I was just planning kind of a, well, you know, capturing reality in a three by five foot mural... Yes, of course, I wouldn't want to have my artistic license taken away... Oh, well, okay, thank you..."

Alice set down the phone gently.

"It was a critic," Don said. "I guess it's just not the right time for a mural, just now..."

He slumped down on the sofa.

"It's alright, dear," said Alice."Just wait till you're back home in your studio."

Thank heavens for Dial-a-Critic, she thought.
 
 

Chapter 6:The Party on Saturday Night
 

"That was an interesting supper, Mom," said Don, after the children had been excused to play outside.

"I sure hope that Billy the Kid gets the driveway cleared soon so that we can go to the store..."

Grandma said, "It certainly would be nice. My meatball casserole always tastes better when there's some meat in it. I had to substitute kippered herring, since that's all that's left in the cupboard."

She went to carry dishes to the sink, and her gaze fell on the calendar by the sink.

"What day is it?" she asked.

"Saturday, September 9th," said Alice.

"Oh, my goodness. I've forgotten the Scandinavian Club meeting is tonight." She set down the dishes and rushed out to get dressed.

"So how is she supposed to get to the meeting?" asked Alice.

"Oh, I'll take her. Err, maybe I better go out and see how Billy's coming with the rigs."

When he got outside, the tractor was chugging fitfully, and Billy was checking the chain connected to the tow truck.

"You think you can pull the tow truck and the junker both at once with the tractor?" asked Don skeptically.

"Well, it's a good tractor, but the timing seems off a little bit. I think I'll have to unhook the rental car and come back for it with the tractor later."

"We really need to get Grandma's car out so that she can go to a meeting tonight."

"I bet we can borrow you one. There's Mr. Noid out front of his place planting trees. He's sort of stingy, but he's worth a try..."

Billy trotted over to the Noids, with Don following rather sheepishly.

He felt that borrowing a car is like borrowing someone's toothbrush, but he was surprised at Lloyd's warm response.

"Hey, if you need a car, just take it," said Lloyd. "I see you've got a little trouble over there. How are you coming with getting those machines out, Billy?"

Across the street, the tractor stopped chugging.

"I guess I've got a ways to go, still," said Billy. "I sure am learning a lot about mechanics, though."

"That's great," said Lloyd. He pitched some keys to Don. "Take the rig out in the garage. Have fun with it. I'm just planting these trees tonight, then I plan to go in and have a meaningful discussion with Clara and Trudy about feelings and stuff."

"Thanks a lot. I can bring the keys over later tonight..."

"Well, we might be sleeping. I'll stop over in the morning and get them, since I want to take the family to church."

"When did you start going to church?" asked Billy.

"Tomorrow," said Lloyd.
 

The black Big Stomper X Double cab pickup had a gun rack in the back window, but the guns were gone. On the bumper, only vestiges of bumper stickers like "Ban Welfare, Not Guns!" were left, as they had been removed recently.

Billy said as Don backed out, "You know, Trudy's dad's not as bad as I always thought." Grandma and Alice were waiting when they drove across the street.

"I'm coming too," said Alice. "Vera thinks she can cash a check at the grocery store, so we can restock on food."

"All the clerks know me," said Grandma.

"Good," said Don. "What are the kids going to do?"

"They're happy playing games out in the yard with the neighbor kids. I told them we'd be back in an hour or so." Grandma said, "If I wasn't in such a hurry I'd take the tractor."

"I don't think that kid has it running yet..." said Alice.

"Not his tractor. I mean my own tractor, out back. I ought to find something to do with it..."
 

As soon as they were gone, Throgmorton and Lill started going over the house with a fine tooth comb.

"Look at this!" said Throgmorton. "All the silverware is just plated--not a bit of sterling in the house. I never bother with plate..."

"It's just tacky. I haven't found anything worth stealing anywhere. And then I had to help make "tingalings"--I've never been so embarrassed in my life..."

"The papers are our only hope at this point. I've got a good sample of her signature. All we need are some negotiable checks or bonds..."

"And that kid to clear the other cars out of the driveway, so we can steal her car..."

"Oh, No! Look at this! She has almost all of her money invested in Elderly Touch Financial Services."

"Why Throgmorton, that's your company. You've already got all her money."

"Yes, and this bond isn't worth the computer paper I printed it on."

"Well, you certainly beat me to the punch this time. I should be jealous."

"Don't fret, darling. Together we will cut a wide swath through the fields of finance."

"As soon as we can get out of this hole..."
 

Outside the children were playing the game Midnight as the evening turned to night. Melody and Brogan were having a mild disagreement. "It's not fair to Freon.When he hides, he glows in the dark, so it's easy to find him," said Brogan.

"Yes, but he can teleport himself to another place when you do find him, so I say he has an unfair advantage." Trudy took a turn being "it," and went to hide back by the barn while the other children sang "Rock around the Clock" and came around the house chanting, "No bears out tonight, Daddy shot them all last night." Trudy was just going behind a bush when she saw something that looked considerably like a bear going in frontof her. She went quietly out to the other children.

"Shhh! Hey, wait a minute. Times! I saw something really truly out by the barn. It was big and all covered with fur!"

"A bear!" said Brogan.

"The mountain lion!" said Melody.

"Maybe it's a gorsk!" said Freon.

"What's a gorsk?" said Trudy.

"They eat anything that moves on Spamo. E4 told me. Sometimes people don't move for years when one's around."

"Well, that's on Spamo," said Melody. "How would one get here?"

"Maybe it took a taxi..." said Brogan.

"Well, I'm not moving," said Trudy.

"Me neither," said Brogan.

"It's probably not a gorsk," said Freon. "If it was a gorsk, we'd be sandwiches by now."

"Oh come on," said Melody."Let's take a peek. It's probably just a raccoon."

Now Trudy had seen the animal, and she knew it was bigger than any raccoon, but she conceded to superior age and assertiveness (a mistake many of us make). They crept around the back corner towards the barn. There was definitely something lumpish in the bushes near the barn door.

"It's not black enough for a bear," whispered Melody.

"But it's big enough," whispered Trudy.

"I don't think it's a gorsk," said Freon nervously. "We'd be dead meat if it's a gorsk..."

"ARE YOU A GORSK!" Brogan shouted. Trudy jumped about three feet in the air...

"No, I'm a mouse," said Max.

"It's just some kid in a mouse costume," said Trudy.

"Is that Scooter Kowalski?"

"No, I'm Max. Max Splicer, I guess, in an adopted sort of way."

"Are you some relative of Doctor Bill's?" asked Trudy.

"Come on out so we can see you..." Max stepped out shyly, whipping his tail from side to side. "He is a mouse!" said Brogan.

"What a mouse!" said Melody.

Max began to do a little softshoe dance, or perhaps I should say softfoot. His claws went clickety click on the gravel as the children watched this incredible moonlight performance in silence. He finished his routine, and took a bow. The children clapped.

"Hey, you're good," said Trudy.

"Thanks," said Max.

"Mostly I have to do labwork for Dr. Splicer, but I really do love show business."

"What were you doing out here at the barn?" asked Melody. "

I was just checking on your grandmother's horse," said Max.

"How did you know it was my grandmother's?"

"Well, I heard you talking out here yesterday. It got me to thinking about show business. I would like to be in your show."

"Our show?" said Melody.

"Magic, somersaults, cartwheels! You talked about it out here in the barn..."

"Oh, that was just sort of pretend," said Melody. "We like to pretend about putting on shows." "Oh," said Max."Just pretend... Well, then I guess I'd better be..."

"Wait," said Melody, not wanting to disappoint him, "We'd love to have you in our show. We just have to get it organized. Don't you think the hayloft would be a great place for it?"

"Well," said Max. "I was kind of envisioning a theater, with spotlights, and chocolate tortes and wine served at intermission, and..."

"We don't have any of those, but the barn would be a start."

"I could make chocolate oatmeal no-bake cookies," said Brogan, "if Grandma would help me."

"And we could sell Kool-aid at intermission," said Trudy.

The mouse's whiskers sort of drooped. "It's not exactly what I had in mind..."

Melody said, "Life is full of compromises. I tell you what. We'll give you top billing on the posters. Featuring MAX SPLICER!"

"Oh, I'd like that! Except I just remembered. Doctor Splicer keeps reminding me I'm a secret experiment. He's crazy about doing secret experiments."

Trudy said, "That's easy enough to fix. We'll give you a stage name, so he won't know it's you. And probably he wouldn't come to the show, anyway."

Melody said, "How about Raymond Rat? Doctor Bill wouldn't expect a rat..."

"Rats are so pushy," said Max. "I've never met a rat I liked."

"How about FPickle Implosion Gorsk?" said Freon. "You look just like a gorsk. You would have a captive audience on Spamo."

"That's kind of a long stage name," said Melody.

"Maxie Mouse," said Brogan. "It's kind of like Mickey Mouse."

"Yeah," said Trudy."And it's the opposite of Minnie Mouse!"

"Okay," said Melody, "Maxie Mouse it is..."

"I just hope Doctor Splicer doesn't see the posters..." said Max.
 

In the house, Throgmorton and Lill, having given up finding anything worth stealing, settled down in the kitchen to drinking Grandma's bottle of cherry cordial and playing poker. Lill was also systematically calling stores, trying to locate a supply of hoolahoops or suspenders. Unfortunately both items were out of style this year. Morton carefully surveyed the black pickup as Don and Alice parked in front on return from shopping.

"Now there's a set of wheels worth stealing," he said to Lill as Don and Alice started carrying groceries toward the house. "We leave tonight for the Bahamas."

"Okay," said Lill, "I give up on the diamonds. I just want to get out of here."

Throgmorton and Lill made no effort to help Don and Alice with the groceries, and went on drinking and playing cards as the Dorkelsons went in to the study to resume work on Grandma's

finances.

"I thought I left her bank book over here," said Don. "Things seem a little out of order."

"Vera's papers are always a mess!" said Alice.

"Yes, but they're a different mess than I remember from this afternoon." Don peered suspiciously at Throgmorton and Lill, but before he could say anything Alice happened upon a new notice from the bank.

"Oh my gosh! Have you seen this one?" she exclaimed. "It's from the bank. It seems she's reached her Visa limit, and has forgotten to make her house payments for the last six months." "Let me see that. Seventeen dollars at the hair stylist... Ten dollars gas... NINETY THREE THOUSAND SEVEN HUNDRED AND SIXTY DOLLARS DUE FOR HER TRACTOR! They can have the stupid tractor!"

"I was looking at the papers on the tractor this afternoon. It can only be returned by shipping back to the country of origin. And this tractor was made in Nepal. There's instructions for disassembly for hand cartage up to the Himalayas in the manual. I'm afraid we couldn't afford to return it."

"It says here that $50,000 is due on Monday, or they'll repossess the house. Where is Mom going to come up with fifty thousand? Between her and us we haven't got five thousand in the bank."

"Well, she does have some money invested in that Elderly Touch Financial Service."

"That name sounds familiar, but I can't think why. Somehow it makes me nervous."

"Anyway, it might be a good thing for Vera to lose her house at this point. We've got to look at this issue seriously."

"Seriously? Are you crazy?"

"Don, you know she can't go on living here forever. She's getting too forgetful. We could possibly arrange to pay her bills now, but what will happen when we go away? And do you notice how thin she's gotten? I'm not sure she's remembering to eat regularly."

"So what are we supposed to do?"

"Let's have her live with us. She's really not much trouble, and we all like her..."

Just then Grandma came hustling in from the front door.

"What are you doing home so early?" asked Don. "And how did you get here? We were going to pick you up when you were to call for a ride."

"Oh, Lands!" said Grandma. "I knew I had forgotten something. This is the night I had invited over the Scandinavian Club for the after-club Kaffeeklatchen. They're out there waiting while I get organized. I've got to make the coffee and get some cookies baked, and get the table set and..."

"Hold on, Mom, we'll help you," said Don. Alice went out to clear off all the financial records off the dining room table.

"I knew I was supposed to bake cookies for something," said Grandma, grabbing a bowl. "Now wait," said Don. "You did bake some cookies already, with Lill. You just fix the coffee, and we'll do the rest."

"The rest" included putting away laundry, children's clothing and books, and even trying unsuccessfully to dislodge Throgmorton and Lill from their cordial and cards. After a very stressful twenty minutes, Grandma went out and shepherded in her two Scandinavian Club guests.

"All that for two people?" Don muttered, receiving a kick on the shin from Alice. The party didn't last too long, for various reasons. It was already after nine by the time the coffee was ready. Throgmorton and Lill were becoming obnoxious in the kitchen, and their drunken laughs conflicted with the guests' polite ones. Finally Don mentioned having to get the children ready for bed, and the prospect of tired and boisterous children coming into their party pushed the guests on towards home. While Alice went out to call the children in, Don started to talk to his mother about her financial troubles. He was just telling about the fifty thousand dollars due on Monday when the children came through on the way to bed.

In the kitchen, Throgmorton pricked up his ears when money was mentioned, and chuckled maliciously as Don discussed cashing out Grandma's investments in his Elderly Touch Financial Services. Then Grandma said, "Oh, lands, if we need that much money, we'd have to find the gold mine that Darrell lost out back way back in sixty-three. You see he was out panning for gold in the little creek bed one day and he found this cave..."

"Are you serious, Mom? Maybe you're remembering wrong. I never heard of any gold mine back there."

"Well, Darrell was really embarrassed that he couldn't find it later. He did have some nice big nuggets to show that he'd been there, but he sold them at a gem show out at the Red Lion Inn." "Did he remember anything about where the mine was?"

"Well, now that you mention it, he said he was sitting on a box of hoolahoops when he got up and kind of fell into a hole hidden by bushes. You remember those hoolahoops that Hubert Toffler dumped up the creek bed..."

"You mean he couldn't even find the box of hoolahoops again?"

"Well, the brush was kind of thick then. It hadn't been a drought the way it's been these last few years."

"Gosh, maybe we could find that mine!" said Don. "The drought has cleared the brush down to nothing. We'll look first thing in the morning..."

"Or we'll find those hoolahoops, and trade them for diamonds!" said Lill to Throgmorton in the kitchen. "We'll have to postpone our vacation..."

Outside the bathroom door, Melody whispered to Brogan, "Did you hear Dad talking about how Grandma needs money? Our show can be a fund-raiser to save her farm..."
 

Up in the hills above Grandma's mini-ranch, the mountain lion growled hungrily to itself from its perch on a box of hoolahoops. It had been a long drought, and food was scarce...
 

Chapter : Sunday, Sweet Sunday
 

"Wow, look at those people!" said Brogan, who was stuffed into the back window of the Noids'crewcab pickup, on his way with the Noids and Dorkelsons to church.

"Don't look!" said Grandma. "Pay no attention to them. It just encourages them."

"But I can't avoid looking, Grandma! My head is crammed looking out the window."

"Well, shut your eyes then."

"Aw gee. They're just fooling around with the fire hydrant... They're having a water fight."

Alice said, "Why don't you play with your Middleaged- capitalist stockbroker toys Grandma got you, Brogan?

"There's not room-- I need the five bedroom three garage house, and I left it at Grandma's."

Grandma said, "It's those people that go to First Hedonist Church."

"What church are we going to, Grandma?" asked Melody.

"First Respectable, of course. And remember to mind your manners and sit up straight in your pew."

Mrs. Noid said, "It's sure been a while since our family's gone to a church..."

"I think the last time was before the Reformation," said Trudy.

"What's the Reformation?" asked Lloyd Noid.

"See, that proves it," giggled Trudy.

"I'm squished," said Brogan.

"I'm sorry, punkin," said Grandma. "Now, D